My Advice Vice

See if you can determine the problem….

My friend TJ screwed up her knee and will need surgery. She’s been hobbling around with a knee brace which is no fun. I don’t envy her at all. It's hard to walk. She can’t work out. Plus she needs to carefully determine what she is going to wear each day. (Skinny jeans and knee braces are a fashion DON’T.) This has been going on for weeks while she awaits the opportunity to have surgery.

TJ has been putting on a brave face and taking this all in stride. But she recently cracked and complained about her situation. Good, I thought, she’s going to vent and get all the frustration out of her system.

“I’ve probably gained five pounds since this happened,” she wailed.

“Oh, honey. It’s ok,” I replied in my supportive voice. “If it gets really bad you can always take up bulimia.”

Stop the tape. Rewind.

Did I really suggest that barfing after meals would solve her problems related to her suck-y knee injury? Yes I did. Why?

Because I don’t have a filter in my brain to get rid of the stupid, garbage advice-thoughts I have. I just blurt them out. (And then feel pretty damn good about my unique problem solving skills.)

This has been a long term issue for me. And I have yet to learn my lesson. Fortunately I have good friends who take my advice with a grain of salt.

Some other gems uttered from my pie hole:

To the friend whose teenage son was acting out: “Send him to military school.”

To the friend who was dealing with major anxiety about her kids and marriage: “Get your doc to give you some drugs like Percoset or Vicodin -- something good that people get addicted to. Oooh, valium would work too!”

To the college friend who hadn’t been with a man (in the biblical sense) for a long time: “You know, becoming a nun could be a good thing. It’s quiet and you don’t pay any rent.”

Yep, I’d call my nationally syndicated advice column: Bad Advice to Good Friends. Just give me a problem and I can pair you up with a vice or ridiculous recommendation. You have a solution… and I have entertainment for months to come.

Fortunately, TJ isn't listening to me. No one should.