Let me start by saying that I am not from the South. Sadly, I didn't grow up eating foods deep fried in lard (or, more healthily, in Crisco). But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a good fried meal every now and then. Sure, it's not super healthy. But does St. Peter meet us at the pearly gates with his checklist?
Murder: No
Coveting neighbors, etc: No
Taking the Lord's name in vain: No
Eating a deep fried Twinkie: Yes. Please step into the express elevator to Hell
Since fried foods are not yet a sin I was thrilled to recently see Deep Fried Paradise on the Travel Channel. Delicacies included chicken fried steak (breaded, deep fried steak), deep fried pickles, deep fried hamburgers (you read that correctly), deep fried hot dogs and, my personal favorite, deep fried bacon. Uncooked bacon is dipped in batter and then tossed into a fryer. There is no doubt that this has to be the perfect food. Bacon all by itself is almost divine. Throw it into a deep fryer and it transcends other more earthly foods.
Here's the scene as the parade of fried foods marched by on our TV:
Hubby: Look of disgust; shaking his head that people are so gluttonous
Me: Smile broadening with each new innovation; gasps of delight as I wonder why I never thought of this myself
And, yes, the deep fried Twinkie, which clocked in at 700+ calories, showed up on my television as I clapped my hands like a little girl. In the express elevator to heaven, everyone gets one with some raspberry sauce.
May 31, 2009
May 26, 2009
Smell Ya Later
There's a gross smell coming from the inside of my car. I've opened all the doors, the trunk, the hood and can't find anything but the smell. The smell, by the way, is like something is rotting. I wish it smelled like money or being thin, but instead it's like rotting flesh.
And really, what was I expecting to see when I opened the hood to look at the engine? I wouldn't know what was suppose to be in there anyway. Unless it was a decomposing squirrel or pound of ground beef.
And really, what was I expecting to see when I opened the hood to look at the engine? I wouldn't know what was suppose to be in there anyway. Unless it was a decomposing squirrel or pound of ground beef.
Doesn't this remind you of the Seinfeld episode? Except that car had a BO stench? And Jerry had to finally abandon the car because he couldn't get rid of the odor?
I'm so screwed.
May 18, 2009
Mini-Book Review (again!)
I've zipped through 5 books in the past month or so. Had some vacation time to knock out a couple. Both fiction and nonfiction; both laughs and tears.
Blink and Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
Malcolm Gladwell's books are great fun while they get you thinking. Blink explores intuition -- what you see and think in the first two seconds. If you are a left-brain person (like me) it's essential reading to learn to listen to and, at times, trust your right brain.
Outliers explores the people we call innovators or geniuses. We like to think of them as self-made people who, through their own sheer will, climb the stairway of success. But, as Gladwell points out, a real genius has spent over 10,000 hours honing their unique skill. Bill Gates was a teenager who was fortunate to be in Seattle when the Univ of Washington got its first supercomputer. He spent years honing his programming skills before he became an overnight sensation.
The warm, cuddly and weepy book was Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World by Vicki Myron and Bret Witter. Definitely a chick book. Myron was the librarian who found and then cared for Dewey for the 19 years he lived at the Spencer, Iowa library. If you've ever had a cat you'll be able to relate. It's amazing how people respond to animals and how they break down barriers. The end requires Kleenex but isn't as drawn out as Marley & Me. Note this Touching Marital Moment:
Me: Sniffle, sniff, sniff
Hubby: Did you just finish the book?
Me: Uh, huh. Nodding head vigorously
Hubby: Come here. Gives me a hug and a noogie
A flat out laugh was Fifteen Minutes of Shame by Lisa Daily. The central character, Darby, gets the rugged pulled out from under her when her cheating husband flys the coop. Oh, did I mention that Darby is a nationally syndicated dating and relationship expert? And her husband is her publicist? And she throws up on Matt Lauer?
The Department of Lost and Found by Allison Winn Scotch is a more serious tale about Natalie, an ambitious politico who is diagnosed with breast cancer at age 30. It sounds more sad than it is. Winn Scotch has a gift for finding the humor and lessons in something as dire as cancer. I was impressed with her writing skill as she walked that fine line between (a) depressing topic and (b) telling an uplifting tale. This was a book that stayed with me for days after I was done. Plus I think Winn Scotch has a great name for a writer.
So that brings us up to date. Looking for our old copy of Angels and Demons by Dan Brown only to have Hubby remind me that we sold it last year during our cleaning purge. So I'm on the hunt!
Blink and Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
Malcolm Gladwell's books are great fun while they get you thinking. Blink explores intuition -- what you see and think in the first two seconds. If you are a left-brain person (like me) it's essential reading to learn to listen to and, at times, trust your right brain.
Outliers explores the people we call innovators or geniuses. We like to think of them as self-made people who, through their own sheer will, climb the stairway of success. But, as Gladwell points out, a real genius has spent over 10,000 hours honing their unique skill. Bill Gates was a teenager who was fortunate to be in Seattle when the Univ of Washington got its first supercomputer. He spent years honing his programming skills before he became an overnight sensation.
The warm, cuddly and weepy book was Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World by Vicki Myron and Bret Witter. Definitely a chick book. Myron was the librarian who found and then cared for Dewey for the 19 years he lived at the Spencer, Iowa library. If you've ever had a cat you'll be able to relate. It's amazing how people respond to animals and how they break down barriers. The end requires Kleenex but isn't as drawn out as Marley & Me. Note this Touching Marital Moment:
Me: Sniffle, sniff, sniff
Hubby: Did you just finish the book?
Me: Uh, huh. Nodding head vigorously
Hubby: Come here. Gives me a hug and a noogie
A flat out laugh was Fifteen Minutes of Shame by Lisa Daily. The central character, Darby, gets the rugged pulled out from under her when her cheating husband flys the coop. Oh, did I mention that Darby is a nationally syndicated dating and relationship expert? And her husband is her publicist? And she throws up on Matt Lauer?
The Department of Lost and Found by Allison Winn Scotch is a more serious tale about Natalie, an ambitious politico who is diagnosed with breast cancer at age 30. It sounds more sad than it is. Winn Scotch has a gift for finding the humor and lessons in something as dire as cancer. I was impressed with her writing skill as she walked that fine line between (a) depressing topic and (b) telling an uplifting tale. This was a book that stayed with me for days after I was done. Plus I think Winn Scotch has a great name for a writer.
So that brings us up to date. Looking for our old copy of Angels and Demons by Dan Brown only to have Hubby remind me that we sold it last year during our cleaning purge. So I'm on the hunt!
Apr 20, 2009
Two Girls Go To A Diner
Every Saturday morning KC and I work out and then go get breakfast. Every week we go to the same place, order the same food from the same waitress...you get the drift. It's our way to wrap up the week, talk about what's on our minds and do some female bonding.
This week our blissful ritual was interrupted by, how do I say it? Men! Two burly, redneck men who are not regulars at this particular establishment. They walked in the door and stood next to our table staring. Since I am possessive of this time with KC I robustly ignored said rednecks.
"You sure look pretty," one of them said.
I made no eye contact and pretended these plaid-wearing-no-manners-belt-buckles-as-big-as-my-head gentleman would kindly find their booth.
"Your eyes are beautiful," the other proclaimed.
He was looking at KC who blushed and said, "Thanks.".
Thanks?!! Did I have to explain to KC how to blow off these guys? Did I have to let her know that women fought for the right to be respected, hold down jobs and not be ogled in public.
They eventually found their way to the booth. My back was to them but KC's wasn't.
"Your lips are pretty too," the first one said.
"Thanks," KC acknowledges AGAIN.
We continue gabbing because I am so not giving these guys one second of my attention. Hitting on women in a diner is so....so....desperate. Really! What did they think they were accomplishing?.
This brings me to the pic above. This is how I looked after the workout. (I can't speak for KC because she always looks pulled together) Even my cat doesn't find this appealing. Maybe I should have been flattered, but in my mind I looked like Patty with the leg stubble. Besides, I don't find this type of male behavior inspiring. It was really creepy.
Hubby was no help. When I complained to him about this (still a fetching sight in my post workout attire) and he couldn't understand why I didn't take the whole thing as a compliment.
"Oh, they were harmless," he said. "Why do some women get all offended when men say those things?".
I sputtered and then fell silent. I don't know why this bugged me. KC reacted with grace. I got mad.
Just call me Patty (and/or Selma).
Every Grape is Sacred
This classic Animal House clip reminds me of what I saw at the wine store yesterday.
I was waiting for the clerk to open a case of wine and then let me pay for my purchase. Before that happened, though, two bottles of wine toppled out of the box and on to the floor. Red wine! It was a sad, sad sight.
My friend, TJ, had a moment of silence for the dearly departed wine. (Did I mention she wasn't even at the store?) TJ is the founding member of the Grape Sanctity Club. If there ever was a person who mourns the loss of a drop of grape, it's TJ. Her reaction is the same as Belushi's. Horror, disbelief, extreme sorrow.
She asked if I dropped to the floor and started slurping up the now free merchandise. That didn't cross my mind...what with the broken glass and all. But if I was quick enough the five second rule would've applied.
Apr 13, 2009
Dude, Where's My Plane?
To the guy who sat next to me on the NWA flight this afternoon:
Dude,
I know you probably weren't real stoked to be in the middle seat, but, hey, it was an exit row and you had, like, some extra leg room. So that should have meant something. And I would have appreciated you not hanging your elbow over the arm rest while you were texting before take off. I get a little possessive of my limited space too. I hope you didn't think I was hitting on you when I just let my elbow push against yours, especially during the turbulence. I was hoping you'd get the point and quit hovering in my seat.
More importantly I would have been elated and relieved if you turned off your damn iPod when asked after the plane doors were closed. Hurtling down the runway at 100+ miles per hour while you were zoning to Fall Out Boy was probably no big deal for you; but I wondered if your sophisticated electronic equipment might interfere with the pilot's navigation system -- like they tell us in the preflight announcements. That all may be a load of crap, but why don't you find that out on another flight; not mine.
Did you consume large amounts of Red Bull beforehand? You were moving around so much that I considered sedating you with a tranquilizer dart or my Vulcan death grip. Slamming the seat back into the fully reclined position was classy too. But kudos for waiting until the announcement.
I also have to give you snaps for sticking to your guns and keeping that iPod on until we had landed. At least you are consistent. I'm also sure the cleaning crew can un-recline your seat in between flights (since you didn't have time to bring it to the full, upright position during the descent).
All in all, it was a swell trip. I hope you do well on your finals.
Hugs and Kisses,
The Exit Aisle Bitch Next To You
Dude,
I know you probably weren't real stoked to be in the middle seat, but, hey, it was an exit row and you had, like, some extra leg room. So that should have meant something. And I would have appreciated you not hanging your elbow over the arm rest while you were texting before take off. I get a little possessive of my limited space too. I hope you didn't think I was hitting on you when I just let my elbow push against yours, especially during the turbulence. I was hoping you'd get the point and quit hovering in my seat.
More importantly I would have been elated and relieved if you turned off your damn iPod when asked after the plane doors were closed. Hurtling down the runway at 100+ miles per hour while you were zoning to Fall Out Boy was probably no big deal for you; but I wondered if your sophisticated electronic equipment might interfere with the pilot's navigation system -- like they tell us in the preflight announcements. That all may be a load of crap, but why don't you find that out on another flight; not mine.
Did you consume large amounts of Red Bull beforehand? You were moving around so much that I considered sedating you with a tranquilizer dart or my Vulcan death grip. Slamming the seat back into the fully reclined position was classy too. But kudos for waiting until the announcement.
I also have to give you snaps for sticking to your guns and keeping that iPod on until we had landed. At least you are consistent. I'm also sure the cleaning crew can un-recline your seat in between flights (since you didn't have time to bring it to the full, upright position during the descent).
All in all, it was a swell trip. I hope you do well on your finals.
Hugs and Kisses,
The Exit Aisle Bitch Next To You
Apr 12, 2009
Why Speedy Gonzales May Have Been On To Something
Let me take you to the fastest sit down restaurant in town. All you'll need is about 15 minutes. In that time you'll have a drink, chips & salsa, and a meal....with time to spare. I don't get service this fast at Taco Bell.
Last week four of us from work went out to lunch. We didn't have long so we chose Laredo's. Here's the run down of how the meal went:
11:20am - leave the office
11:26 - pull into Laredo's parking lot
11:28 - walk in and ask for a table for four
11:28:15 - amble toward our table
11:28:16 - water and chips being put on table
11:28:18 - butt cheeks not yet in the booth
11:28:21 - being handed menu
11:28:45 - waiter asks for drink order
11:29:15 - finally take off coats and stash purses
11:29:20 - waiter asks for lunch order
11:29:25 - four hands start grabbing for chips and salsa
11:30:00 - begin small talk while crunching on chips
11:31:30 - meals are served
If you're looking for a leisurely dining experience, this ain't the place to go. If you want a sit-down lunch and time to make it back before your screen saver kicks in, this is your restaurant.
About seven minutes later one of our group is done with her meal. 3.8 seconds after her last swallow the bus boy comes buy to grab the plate. And so it continues until it is just me with my rice and beans. The bus boy is intent on swiping my plate away. "NO!" I yelp clutching the last remnants of my precious lunch. I have a leisurely 2.5 minutes left with my plate before it is empty, taken away and the bill arrives.
Before we know it we are stumbling back into the light of day, dazed, satiated but not quite relaxed.
Last week four of us from work went out to lunch. We didn't have long so we chose Laredo's. Here's the run down of how the meal went:
11:20am - leave the office
11:26 - pull into Laredo's parking lot
11:28 - walk in and ask for a table for four
11:28:15 - amble toward our table
11:28:16 - water and chips being put on table
11:28:18 - butt cheeks not yet in the booth
11:28:21 - being handed menu
11:28:45 - waiter asks for drink order
11:29:15 - finally take off coats and stash purses
11:29:20 - waiter asks for lunch order
11:29:25 - four hands start grabbing for chips and salsa
11:30:00 - begin small talk while crunching on chips
11:31:30 - meals are served
If you're looking for a leisurely dining experience, this ain't the place to go. If you want a sit-down lunch and time to make it back before your screen saver kicks in, this is your restaurant.
About seven minutes later one of our group is done with her meal. 3.8 seconds after her last swallow the bus boy comes buy to grab the plate. And so it continues until it is just me with my rice and beans. The bus boy is intent on swiping my plate away. "NO!" I yelp clutching the last remnants of my precious lunch. I have a leisurely 2.5 minutes left with my plate before it is empty, taken away and the bill arrives.
Before we know it we are stumbling back into the light of day, dazed, satiated but not quite relaxed.
Mar 28, 2009
Mini Book Review #3
In my continuing quest to keep track of all the books I've read this year (#1, #2), here is my third installment. Since I've been lazy posting my reading, I have four books to cover.
Something Blue by Emily Giffin is the sequel to Something Borrowed only told from the viewpoint of the villianess. Clever literary perspective. To be honest, I found the central character, Darcy, to be hard to like. For about the half the book I wasn't sure if I would get through it. Darcy eventually has to live up to her ways and the book takes a warmer turn. If you plan to read the two, start with Something Borrowed.
Spinster Sisters by Stacey Ballis tells the story of two sisters from Chicago who have a successful business. I want to live in the world these sisters live in! They're smart and have a wonderful group of women to work and live with.
I took a break from chick lit and read The Wordy Shipmates by Sarah Vowell. Vowell has made a career of taking American history and giving it an ironic and humorous, 21st century twist. Plus I learn a lot from reading Vowell's books. Did you know that the Puritans and Pilgrims were two different groups with different objectives for coming to the New World?
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows was given to me by a friend. I was sad when I finished it. These characters were so alive and real. And once again I learned something historical. The novel takes place just after WWII on Guernsey Island in the English Channel which had been occupied by the Germans for five years.
I would also like to give a shout out to the Madison (WI) Public Library for their great online order system. Yes, I waited four months for Sarah Vowell's book, but I can search and find other books to entertain me in the meantime. And they are delivered to whichever library branch is most convenient for me.
More to come....
Something Blue by Emily Giffin is the sequel to Something Borrowed only told from the viewpoint of the villianess. Clever literary perspective. To be honest, I found the central character, Darcy, to be hard to like. For about the half the book I wasn't sure if I would get through it. Darcy eventually has to live up to her ways and the book takes a warmer turn. If you plan to read the two, start with Something Borrowed.
Spinster Sisters by Stacey Ballis tells the story of two sisters from Chicago who have a successful business. I want to live in the world these sisters live in! They're smart and have a wonderful group of women to work and live with.
I took a break from chick lit and read The Wordy Shipmates by Sarah Vowell. Vowell has made a career of taking American history and giving it an ironic and humorous, 21st century twist. Plus I learn a lot from reading Vowell's books. Did you know that the Puritans and Pilgrims were two different groups with different objectives for coming to the New World?
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows was given to me by a friend. I was sad when I finished it. These characters were so alive and real. And once again I learned something historical. The novel takes place just after WWII on Guernsey Island in the English Channel which had been occupied by the Germans for five years.
I would also like to give a shout out to the Madison (WI) Public Library for their great online order system. Yes, I waited four months for Sarah Vowell's book, but I can search and find other books to entertain me in the meantime. And they are delivered to whichever library branch is most convenient for me.
More to come....
Mar 19, 2009
One Cat's Holy Grail
Look at this cup. It was acquired by Hubby in 1984 at an establishment called Penrods on Fort Lauderdale Beach. Why would anyone hang on to this for all those years?
I don't know either. Except this is my water cup and it is always with me when I am at home. You never know when a thirst may come on. I don't want to be, say, 25 feet away from a source of water and have to actually get up.
So the Penrods cup and I are an inseparable pair.
Except there is someone that wants to make this pair a threesome. That someone is MJ the Cat. You see MJ lives to drink out of this cup. His whole existence revolves around sticking his schnoz into the cup and lapping up water. Never mind we have numerous bowls for his slurping pleasure. This is the only source of water that matters.
His feline ears can determine the moment water hits the inside of this particular cup. He'll come running over to survey the cup and assess:
- -the water level in the cup
- -the diameter of his head
- -how far into the cup his head will go
"When will you learn?" Hubby clucks. "How many years have you two been battling over that thing? Which one of you is smarter anyway?"
I could part with my Penrods cup. But it would be like cutting off my own arm. We've been through so much together: the Reagan years, MC Hammer, Melrose Place. I've thought about replacing the cup with a water bottle. But where's the sport in that?
MJ and I will continue to maneuver over this precious water vessel; like a couple of weathered generals plotting their next move. Until Hubby grows tired of whole spectacle and throws the cup away.
Which, while logical, would be a sad day.
Mar 10, 2009
Do These People Make You Sleepy?
Are you drowsy? A little tired? Maybe just exhausted after a long day?
For Hubby these people are like Ambien. A few weeks ago we discovered CSI Miami reruns on A&E while desperately looking for something warm to look at on TV. After a long, dreary, snowy winter we will take our sun where ever we can find it. Even TV reruns.
Now here's the thing. In the first five minutes the mystery is set up. Someone dies. Someone looks guilty. The CSI Miami team arrives on the scene. Cue cool intro with The Who music. Cut to commercial.
Next to me is Hubby who has already dozed off. Mouth agape; hot chocolate recently quaffed; remote still in hand. Apparently he saw all the warmth he needed. However I am hooked and will need to spend the next 55 minutes with Team CSI Miami to see how it all evolves.
Night after night the same gig plays out. We tune in CSI Miami. He slips into unconsciousness.
Since one of us is actually watching the show I have some observations:
- See David Caruso in the pic above? That's the only time I've ever seen him smile. Plus, what is a pasty white guy like that doing in Miami? That being said, I love his character, Horatio Crane, and his one emotion.
- The science stuff is cool but a bit far fetched. I took enough chemistry to know that some of those things can't be done that quickly. But, strangely, I don't care. If I had a lab that cool I would have stayed in science.
- The stories get all twisty. You think you know who is guilty and then new evidence shows it might be someone else.
- It's not too touchy, feely. If I want warm and fuzzy I'll watch Grey's Anatomy.
Don't tell Hubby what CSI Miami is about. At this point he thinks it's a travelogue about South Florida.
Zzzzzzzzzz.......
Mar 7, 2009
My Slice of Pineapple Express
I spent the past week in a drug-induced haze…by legal means. Don’t ask me what happened in the world or how work went. I have no idea.
Bet you’re wondering how you can get your hands on this stuff. It’s pretty easy. Just go to your doc and tell him/her that you need seasonal allergy meds. Then sit back and watch the pink elephants fly.
It started last weekend when I began my preparations for the onslaught of spring pollen. Prescription nasal spray. Check. Prescription antihistamines. Check. No sense of time or space. Check-a-rooney.
Monday was a little hazy but I chalked it up to the Monday blahs. By Tuesday I was still fuzzy but didn’t care much about anything. That intensified on Wednesday but I thought it was me just being tired of winter. However, on Thursday I knew something was wrong because…uhm…like….I couldn’t…well… string two coherent thoughts together. I also couldn’t complete any task no matter how mundane.
Bet you’re wondering how you can get your hands on this stuff. It’s pretty easy. Just go to your doc and tell him/her that you need seasonal allergy meds. Then sit back and watch the pink elephants fly.
It started last weekend when I began my preparations for the onslaught of spring pollen. Prescription nasal spray. Check. Prescription antihistamines. Check. No sense of time or space. Check-a-rooney.
Monday was a little hazy but I chalked it up to the Monday blahs. By Tuesday I was still fuzzy but didn’t care much about anything. That intensified on Wednesday but I thought it was me just being tired of winter. However, on Thursday I knew something was wrong because…uhm…like….I couldn’t…well… string two coherent thoughts together. I also couldn’t complete any task no matter how mundane.
Task required: Print spreadsheet, go to the printer and retrieve.
Task completed: Wander to the drinking fountain. Grab some Cheetos from the vending machine. Look at the shiny insides of the vending machine for awhile. Marvel at how the vending machine can hold all that food and drop it at precisely the right time. Find my way back to my desk. Play with paper clips on desk. Wonder what happened to my bag of Cheetos.
This is why it took two days to complete a project.
“There’s something wrong with me,” I whispered on the phone to TJ. “It’s like I can’t complete a thoug…. Hey, are you guys going out tonite?”
What I felt like was the dude from Pineapple Express whose name I couldn't remember for two days.
Task completed: Wander to the drinking fountain. Grab some Cheetos from the vending machine. Look at the shiny insides of the vending machine for awhile. Marvel at how the vending machine can hold all that food and drop it at precisely the right time. Find my way back to my desk. Play with paper clips on desk. Wonder what happened to my bag of Cheetos.
This is why it took two days to complete a project.
“There’s something wrong with me,” I whispered on the phone to TJ. “It’s like I can’t complete a thoug…. Hey, are you guys going out tonite?”
What I felt like was the dude from Pineapple Express whose name I couldn't remember for two days.
Later that night I lay in bed while Hubby snored peacefully at my side.
Maybe I have a brain tumor.
Or early onset dementia.
Or a brain aneurysm like that woman on Grey's Anatomy who died while the baby lived even though her husband told Dr. McDreamy to save his wife if he had to choose between the two and McDreamy wouldn't put his scalpel down and got into a fight with Addison that the Chief had to come to the ER and resolve.
Staring at the dark ceiling I used all my skills of concentration. Perhaps...just maybe...the problem is the pill I started taking at the exact same time these symptoms started.
Hmmm. Could be the issue, I suppose.
So I stopped the seemingly cannabis-infused meds and, just like that, started to regain my super powers of focus and concentration.
And that, kids, is why you just say no to drugs. At least until the doc prescribes something new next week.
Feb 25, 2009
The Unexpected Confessioner
I may have alluded to a trip I took last month. I was lucky enough to go to Prague, Czech Republic with a women’s travel group. Beautiful city. Affordable. Nice people. Great architecture. But me being me means there were some amusing stories, mostly at my expense.
And with that I give you story #1: Linda Accidentally Goes To Confession.
Prague has a plethora of churches that sat idle and neglected during the Communist regime. Since Communism’s fall in 1989 many of the churches are being used as originally intended. Others are for public gatherings such as concerts and festivals. And a few are solely for historic significance.
A few in our tour group wanted to go to Catholic Mass. We heard that a nearby church had outstanding acoustics and a musical Mass. The idea of live entertainment on a Sunday morning was intriguing. So our merry group of worshippers, about dozen women in all, set out to attend the 10:30 am Mass even though the majority of us were going solely for the live band, er, musicial liturgy.
I was raised Catholic and know the drill: the holy water at the entrance, the genuflecting before sliding into the pew, the being quiet. However, the being quiet part became my problem. My big, loud American-bull-in-the-china-shop ass slid to my spot in the pew and casually used my foot to flip up the kneeler. No kneeling of any kind will occur today, kids. I’m a professional Catholic and will work to make the other non-Catholics more comfortable.
Except the kneeler was not hinged to be flipped up. In fact it was never intended to be moved out of the way. My little foot flip trick caused the kneeler, which was as long as the pew, to lurch up and then down with a loud thud.
Did I mention the acoustics in this church?
Feeling a bit obvious, I decided it would be a good time to get up, walk around and check out the historical aspects of the old church before Mass began. Photography wasn’t encouraged so I concentrated and tried to memorize the details and store them in my brain:
*Baroque style
*Lots of religious figures painted on the walls and ceiling
*Huge pipe organ way up in the balcony
*Stations of the cross and other interesting artifacts along the wall
It was the artifacts that caught my attention. Statues, stained glass and gold relics stretched along the wall. It must have been the shiny things that drew me in. My focus was on the bling, not what was right in front of me. As I turned to my left to see more of the pretty, shiny things, I walked right into a door.
A door that led to the confessional.
Where the priest was sitting waiting for customers.
And he spoke only Czech.
Just five minutes in the church and I had two bloopers to my name. And, heck, I’m staring down a priest in a confessional. Bless me, Father. I have created a ruckus in your beautiful church. Please forgive me for being the neck-craning American tourist that I am. And, by the way, when does the music start?
Instead I quietly slunk to back to my pew, hands clasped in my lap, until the Mass began. Father Confessional was also the priest leading the mass. From the back of the church the pipe organ sprang to life along with a choir. The acoustics lived up to the hype. Even though the Mass was conducted and sung in Czech, the beautiful old Baroque church was being used in way the founders intended. And the American tourists appreciated that fact.
The band was pretty good too.
Feb 16, 2009
Heard At The Health Club Tonight
Location: Women's Locker Room
Me: Putting on my shoes
Six Year Old Girl to Her Mother: "Mommy, but how does the baby come out of the stomach?"
Mother: "It's just magic!"
Me: Quickly shuffling toward the exit while not making eye contact.
Me: Putting on my shoes
Six Year Old Girl to Her Mother: "Mommy, but how does the baby come out of the stomach?"
Mother: "It's just magic!"
Me: Quickly shuffling toward the exit while not making eye contact.
Feb 8, 2009
25 Scary Things About Me
On Facebook the current rage is to write 25 random things about yourself. Mind you, that's about 15 or 20 items too many. I struggled to make it to 25 because, let's face it, I'm just not that interesting. But I did s-t-r-e-t-c-h it out. One item I included was the scariest moment of my life.
It could have been a near car accident or a fashion disaster. Maybe a really bad haircut; wearing the wrong shoes after Labor Day. All these things are scary, at least to me. But the one gut-wrenching moment that I remember is January 17, 1994 --- the Northridge earthquake in Los Angeles.
There is a book out called The Survivors Club by Ben Sherwood that looks at which people have survival instincts and who becomes a deer in the headlights. If my survival skills are reflected in how I handled the Northridge earthquake, then I am screwed!
It all began at 4:30am. I was in L.A. on business and staying with a college girlfriend in the Los Feliz area...just over the hill from the Valley. I was asleep on Nic's couch. My plan was to get up about 5am and catch a flight out of Burbank to Phoenix for more appointments.
Then the house jolted up and down and around. I could hear things crashing to the floor as I tried to keep myself from being flipped off the couch. I put my one arm over my head because I was sure the ceiling was going to come down on me. Being L.A., hundreds of car alarms went off blaring the obvious. I had previously lived in L.A. and knew what an earthquake was. But of all the ones I endured, this was the most violent.
It lasted forever! (But later I heard it was less than 30 seconds) I understand the 'time stood still' stuff.
Once it was over, my true nature came into play. Nic yelled for me. Her first concern was that I put something on my feet because there was broken glass and who knows what else. She checked the electricity and found it was out. Then she instructed me to stay put as she found her flashlight and came into my direction.
I, on the other hand, have one overriding thought in my head. One gut instinct that helped guide me into my own crisis and survival mode.
"I have to get the f*&# out of here!" As in get out of L.A. Get out of earthquake row. Go to a place where the earth doesn't move around in a freakish manner.
Nic checked out the damage and was being, well, really calm. Calm! She saw her computer monitor had fallen on the floor; china was broken; books toppled.
I, rushing into my own assessment, was looking for my clothes and shoes because I'm determined that I am getting the hell outta there. I'll sleep on the curb or beach in another town -- somewhere where the walls and ceilings won't fall on me.
Nic comes over to me to see how I am. Am I hurt? Am I alright?
"I'm not hurt," I say. "But," I pause, clutching her arm.
"What is it?"
"I have to lay down. I'm having an anxiety attack!"
And that, folks, is how I handled a crisis situation: attempted to flee the scene and lie down to feel the waves of panic rush over me.
I don't remember much after that. We did go out looking for bottled water but the 7-11 and grocery stores were closed. The sun eventually came up to reveal a beautiful California morning.
And one unifying thought kept pounding through my brain:
"Gotta get out of here. Gotta go. Time to leave."
The car radio had news coverage for those stations still on the air. All I cared about was whether the Burbank airport had reopened. I even considered driving the 8 hours to Phoenix but soon realized that many highways were closed due to damage.
"Gonna leave. Gonna leave soon. Yep, getting my ass out of here."
We went back to Nic's and started to clean up the mess. She was rational and completely pulled together. When the aftershocks occurred she patted my hand supportively.
Being a good Angeleno she had a battery-operated radio. So I kept a quiet vigil on the status of the Burbank airport. LAX was a mess but I kept praying that Burbank would pull it together.
After a few hours I heard the news I was almost ready to sacrifice Nic's cats for: Burbank airport is reopening.
And there was Nic sitting on her bed, soothing her rattled cats. Calm, Zen-like.
"Honey," I started. "I gotta go. Maybe I can get to Phoenix after all. If it doesn't work out I will come back. Will you be okay if leave you alone?" (What a cad I was! Leaving a friend to deal with the aftermath of The Day The Earth Opened Up and Swollowed Us Whole)
She encouraged me to go and told me she was here if I couldn't get out.
So quick like a bunny I packed up. I realized I hadn't showered or even brushed my teeth. But time was of the essence. And the voices in my head wouldn't stop until I there was some distance between me and the floor of the Los Angeles basin. Somehow I made it the airport to find a sea of refugees just like me. Unwashed, dazed and frantically trying to get out town.
I made it onto a Southwest flight bound for Phoenix. Across the aisle from me was a woman whose hand was wrapped in cloth and bleeding. Someone else had a bandage on his face. For the most part we were quiet and beyond eager. And when the wheels finally lifted off the runway we broke into spontaneous applause.
For the first time since 4:30am I exhaled. And realized what a total wuss I was. For years afterward Nic and I would call each other on January 17th and wish each other a Happy Earthquake Day.
And now, 15 year later, I flip through the Survivors Club and wonder how I would handle it if I found myself in a crisis situation again. Ugh! I shudder to think. Once a wuss, always a wuss.
It could have been a near car accident or a fashion disaster. Maybe a really bad haircut; wearing the wrong shoes after Labor Day. All these things are scary, at least to me. But the one gut-wrenching moment that I remember is January 17, 1994 --- the Northridge earthquake in Los Angeles.
There is a book out called The Survivors Club by Ben Sherwood that looks at which people have survival instincts and who becomes a deer in the headlights. If my survival skills are reflected in how I handled the Northridge earthquake, then I am screwed!
It all began at 4:30am. I was in L.A. on business and staying with a college girlfriend in the Los Feliz area...just over the hill from the Valley. I was asleep on Nic's couch. My plan was to get up about 5am and catch a flight out of Burbank to Phoenix for more appointments.
Then the house jolted up and down and around. I could hear things crashing to the floor as I tried to keep myself from being flipped off the couch. I put my one arm over my head because I was sure the ceiling was going to come down on me. Being L.A., hundreds of car alarms went off blaring the obvious. I had previously lived in L.A. and knew what an earthquake was. But of all the ones I endured, this was the most violent.
It lasted forever! (But later I heard it was less than 30 seconds) I understand the 'time stood still' stuff.
Once it was over, my true nature came into play. Nic yelled for me. Her first concern was that I put something on my feet because there was broken glass and who knows what else. She checked the electricity and found it was out. Then she instructed me to stay put as she found her flashlight and came into my direction.
I, on the other hand, have one overriding thought in my head. One gut instinct that helped guide me into my own crisis and survival mode.
"I have to get the f*&# out of here!" As in get out of L.A. Get out of earthquake row. Go to a place where the earth doesn't move around in a freakish manner.
Nic checked out the damage and was being, well, really calm. Calm! She saw her computer monitor had fallen on the floor; china was broken; books toppled.
I, rushing into my own assessment, was looking for my clothes and shoes because I'm determined that I am getting the hell outta there. I'll sleep on the curb or beach in another town -- somewhere where the walls and ceilings won't fall on me.
Nic comes over to me to see how I am. Am I hurt? Am I alright?
"I'm not hurt," I say. "But," I pause, clutching her arm.
"What is it?"
"I have to lay down. I'm having an anxiety attack!"
And that, folks, is how I handled a crisis situation: attempted to flee the scene and lie down to feel the waves of panic rush over me.
I don't remember much after that. We did go out looking for bottled water but the 7-11 and grocery stores were closed. The sun eventually came up to reveal a beautiful California morning.
And one unifying thought kept pounding through my brain:
"Gotta get out of here. Gotta go. Time to leave."
The car radio had news coverage for those stations still on the air. All I cared about was whether the Burbank airport had reopened. I even considered driving the 8 hours to Phoenix but soon realized that many highways were closed due to damage.
"Gonna leave. Gonna leave soon. Yep, getting my ass out of here."
We went back to Nic's and started to clean up the mess. She was rational and completely pulled together. When the aftershocks occurred she patted my hand supportively.
Being a good Angeleno she had a battery-operated radio. So I kept a quiet vigil on the status of the Burbank airport. LAX was a mess but I kept praying that Burbank would pull it together.
After a few hours I heard the news I was almost ready to sacrifice Nic's cats for: Burbank airport is reopening.
And there was Nic sitting on her bed, soothing her rattled cats. Calm, Zen-like.
"Honey," I started. "I gotta go. Maybe I can get to Phoenix after all. If it doesn't work out I will come back. Will you be okay if leave you alone?" (What a cad I was! Leaving a friend to deal with the aftermath of The Day The Earth Opened Up and Swollowed Us Whole)
She encouraged me to go and told me she was here if I couldn't get out.
So quick like a bunny I packed up. I realized I hadn't showered or even brushed my teeth. But time was of the essence. And the voices in my head wouldn't stop until I there was some distance between me and the floor of the Los Angeles basin. Somehow I made it the airport to find a sea of refugees just like me. Unwashed, dazed and frantically trying to get out town.
I made it onto a Southwest flight bound for Phoenix. Across the aisle from me was a woman whose hand was wrapped in cloth and bleeding. Someone else had a bandage on his face. For the most part we were quiet and beyond eager. And when the wheels finally lifted off the runway we broke into spontaneous applause.
For the first time since 4:30am I exhaled. And realized what a total wuss I was. For years afterward Nic and I would call each other on January 17th and wish each other a Happy Earthquake Day.
And now, 15 year later, I flip through the Survivors Club and wonder how I would handle it if I found myself in a crisis situation again. Ugh! I shudder to think. Once a wuss, always a wuss.
Jan 28, 2009
Touching Marital Moment, Take 2
Tonite at dinner:
Me: Oooh...I haven't told you about that thing that happened at the Prague airport last week.
Hubby: Why don't you save that story until bedtime? It will help me fall asleep.
Me: Sigh. Never mind.
Me: Oooh...I haven't told you about that thing that happened at the Prague airport last week.
Hubby: Why don't you save that story until bedtime? It will help me fall asleep.
Me: Sigh. Never mind.
Jan 26, 2009
Mini Book Review #2
On a recent trip (which I'll write about later) I read two books. They are both 'chick lit' and were lots of fun to read while sitting on airplanes.
Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella is about a woman who loses her memory after an accident. In fact she's lost several years of her memory and awakens to a husband she doesn't know and a life she doesn't remember. Think Samantha Who? with a British twist. Kinsella is also the author of the Shopaholic books.
The other book I read was Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin. I expected a breezy chick lit-style book but was pleasantly surprised at how well Giffin describes what it is like to fall in love. Giffin's abiltity to describe emotion and feeling made this book much deeper and relatable that I expected when I read the back cover. In fact I cried reading the last few pages. That's not to say this wasn't funny, witty and a great read.
Still mulling over my next book choice. Looking for ideas.
Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella is about a woman who loses her memory after an accident. In fact she's lost several years of her memory and awakens to a husband she doesn't know and a life she doesn't remember. Think Samantha Who? with a British twist. Kinsella is also the author of the Shopaholic books.
The other book I read was Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin. I expected a breezy chick lit-style book but was pleasantly surprised at how well Giffin describes what it is like to fall in love. Giffin's abiltity to describe emotion and feeling made this book much deeper and relatable that I expected when I read the back cover. In fact I cried reading the last few pages. That's not to say this wasn't funny, witty and a great read.
Still mulling over my next book choice. Looking for ideas.
Sick of Being Sick
Here I sit with my umpteenth sinus headache. I thought a cold was suppose to get better after a week. This has been getting worse each day.
Enough wining. What is the upside of a cold?
Enough wining. What is the upside of a cold?
- Nyquil! How can this stuff be available w/o a prescription? I sleep like an angel when I do Nyquil shots.
- Soup. I feel like I'm 8 years old when I'm home sick and make soup for lunch. Then I can nap while the soaps are on TV.
- Afrin. World's best nasal spray. If Afrin could clear my mind as well as my sinuses I would be a Zen master.
Uh, that's about all I can think of right now. I think I'll look up the recipe for a Hot Toddy...hope it has Nyquil in it.
Jan 23, 2009
Being Ordinary
This week we saw a new president sworn in. (Well sorta sworn in. Thanks, Mr. Chief Justice.) I had many thoughts going through my head about the history and significance. But I also had another thought that still hasn’t gone away:
Barack Obama is my age. He went to high school when I did. He even married the same year we did.
There’s something profound and yet sad about seeing your contemporaries rise to power and significance. It makes me wonder: how did I get to be a middle-America-cubicle-dwelling-Dancing-With-The-Stars-watching nobody? I had a good upbringing and education. I had the smarts and potential. And I chose to live an ordinary life.
So instead of bumming myself out with deep thoughts about my inadequacies (which is a little hobby I can pursue in my spare time), I’ve chosen to focus on what the new president and I have in common.
· We both listened to REO Speedwagon, Stevie Wonder and Journey in our youth.
· We know what show the phrase “Dy-no-mite!” came from.
· We made some bad fashion choices in the 70s.
· We wondered how it all went wrong for Michael Jackson.
· We still ponder why anyone thought the AMC Pacer was a good automotive choice.
So I take heart that the leader of the free world has the same frame of reference and maybe some of the same childhood experiences as I did.
Or I can put a headset on my cat and pretend he is my Secret Service detail.
Barack Obama is my age. He went to high school when I did. He even married the same year we did.
There’s something profound and yet sad about seeing your contemporaries rise to power and significance. It makes me wonder: how did I get to be a middle-America-cubicle-dwelling-Dancing-With-The-Stars-watching nobody? I had a good upbringing and education. I had the smarts and potential. And I chose to live an ordinary life.
So instead of bumming myself out with deep thoughts about my inadequacies (which is a little hobby I can pursue in my spare time), I’ve chosen to focus on what the new president and I have in common.
· We both listened to REO Speedwagon, Stevie Wonder and Journey in our youth.
· We know what show the phrase “Dy-no-mite!” came from.
· We made some bad fashion choices in the 70s.
· We wondered how it all went wrong for Michael Jackson.
· We still ponder why anyone thought the AMC Pacer was a good automotive choice.
So I take heart that the leader of the free world has the same frame of reference and maybe some of the same childhood experiences as I did.
Or I can put a headset on my cat and pretend he is my Secret Service detail.
Jan 5, 2009
Mini Book Review #1 – Garlic and Sapphires
One of my lame New Years Resolutions is to do a quick write up of books I’ve completed in 2009. I say lame because it’s not going to make me healthier, thinner or richer. But it will give me a chance to keep track of what I read and, hopefully, give you some book ideas.
My first completion of 2009 is Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl. This book was given to me by a friend who is a major foodie. Ruth Reichl was the food critic of the NY Times in the 1990s and went on to be editor at Gourmet magazine. She wrote three books about her life in food; this chronologically being the third. I decided to start with this one because my friend told me Ruth dressed up in disguise to review restaurants…plus there are recipes!
The author does an amazing job describing food so that you can practically see and taste it. She also analyzes the ego that surrounds the NYC restaurant scene. What I liked the most, though, was how she chose her disguises and the personality she was attempting to channel.
Garlic and Sapphires is a quick read and great fun. I admire how foodies and food critics must be ‘adventure’ eaters since brains and organ meats make me queasy. (Adventure eating for me is seared tuna.)
I have Ruth Reichl’s two other books and look forward to digging in.
(BTW, my other lame New Years Resolution is to floss my teeth. Now don’t you feel better about yourself?)
My first completion of 2009 is Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl. This book was given to me by a friend who is a major foodie. Ruth Reichl was the food critic of the NY Times in the 1990s and went on to be editor at Gourmet magazine. She wrote three books about her life in food; this chronologically being the third. I decided to start with this one because my friend told me Ruth dressed up in disguise to review restaurants…plus there are recipes!
The author does an amazing job describing food so that you can practically see and taste it. She also analyzes the ego that surrounds the NYC restaurant scene. What I liked the most, though, was how she chose her disguises and the personality she was attempting to channel.
Garlic and Sapphires is a quick read and great fun. I admire how foodies and food critics must be ‘adventure’ eaters since brains and organ meats make me queasy. (Adventure eating for me is seared tuna.)
I have Ruth Reichl’s two other books and look forward to digging in.
(BTW, my other lame New Years Resolution is to floss my teeth. Now don’t you feel better about yourself?)
Jan 4, 2009
Touching Marital Moment, Take 1
Location: Our kitchen
Time: This morning over breakfast
Hubby: "Honey, you have something on your chin. "
Me: "It's a zit."
Pause
Me: "I'm going back to bed."
Time: This morning over breakfast
Hubby: "Honey, you have something on your chin. "
Me: "It's a zit."
Pause
Me: "I'm going back to bed."
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