Reuniting With An Ex

I’m feeling a bit uppity today. An old love recently re-entered my life. We had a heady relationship in my early 20s – lots of late nights and early mornings. It was an exciting, frenzied time when I felt focused and more like myself than ever before (and, in some ways, ever since). When we had to break it off in my mid-20s, I was having heart palpitations and had become increasingly miserable. My too-much-of-a-good thing relationship had run its course. It was time for me to walk away and find my way in the adult world. For a long time I didn’t miss my love; I didn’t dwell on what was in my past. Then the spring of 2009 happened and fate brought us together again.

Yes, my old love, caffeine, is back giving me joy and, uh, alertness like I haven’t had in many a day/month/year/decade. So I know you’re asking: how could a common chemical make you into a swooning teenager again? Don’t you remember how badly it all ended?

This spring I was facing a Sophie’s Choice type of dilemma. You’d probably have done the same thing.

My lifelong spring hay fever kicked in with a vengeance. I was housebound, told to stay in air conditioning and limit physical activity. I was constantly sleepy and a wee bit cranky (ok, a lot bitchy). My whole life consisted of the inside of my house, the interior of my car and my basement work cubicle. The outside world was dead to me –doctor’s orders.

The Herculean challenge was finding an anti-histamine I could tolerate. Like Goldilocks, one made me very sleepy, another made me very uptight, and the third made me as stupid as bucket of sand. I missed work, stared off into space and wondered if I my skin would become so pasty that I would be translucent.

I worked with the allergy clinic on options and we kept coming back to one drug that had helped me in the past but just wasn’t keeping me coherent this time. (see here for more about my prior adventures) We decided to ditch the generic and go with the name brand even thought I had to pay more for it. Bingo! I got a bit sleepy but not all moronic like I had with the generic. Suddenly I could take part in the outside world. I abandoned my plans to live as cloistered nun and rejoined society.

But the sleepiness, while not debilitating, was an undercurrent in my life. Then one day at work I filled a cup with ice and poured in a fully-sugared Coca Cola. In about a half hour I swear I could see the face of god and recite Shakespeare. I was witty, jovial and, most surprising, focused. It was the focus that I had been lacking for, what, months? Years? Now I recall how I got through college.

I need to be careful how much time I spend with my old love. Too much and I am blathering my way to edginess and spending late nights looking for life’s answers on my bedroom ceiling – fully awake.

I see where we went wrong all those year ago. We spent too much time together. By finding that right balance I think we will be a wonderful couple once again.

My Slice of Pineapple Express

I spent the past week in a drug-induced haze…by legal means. Don’t ask me what happened in the world or how work went. I have no idea.

Bet you’re wondering how you can get your hands on this stuff. It’s pretty easy. Just go to your doc and tell him/her that you need seasonal allergy meds. Then sit back and watch the pink elephants fly.

It started last weekend when I began my preparations for the onslaught of spring pollen. Prescription nasal spray. Check. Prescription antihistamines. Check. No sense of time or space. Check-a-rooney.

Monday was a little hazy but I chalked it up to the Monday blahs. By Tuesday I was still fuzzy but didn’t care much about anything. That intensified on Wednesday but I thought it was me just being tired of winter. However, on Thursday I knew something was wrong because…uhm…like….I couldn’t…well… string two coherent thoughts together. I also couldn’t complete any task no matter how mundane.

Task required: Print spreadsheet, go to the printer and retrieve.

Task completed: Wander to the drinking fountain. Grab some Cheetos from the vending machine. Look at the shiny insides of the vending machine for awhile. Marvel at how the vending machine can hold all that food and drop it at precisely the right time. Find my way back to my desk. Play with paper clips on desk. Wonder what happened to my bag of Cheetos.

This is why it took two days to complete a project.

“There’s something wrong with me,” I whispered on the phone to TJ. “It’s like I can’t complete a thoug…. Hey, are you guys going out tonite?”

What I felt like was the dude from Pineapple Express whose name I couldn't remember for two days.

Later that night I lay in bed while Hubby snored peacefully at my side.

Maybe I have a brain tumor.

Or early onset dementia.

Or a brain aneurysm like that woman on Grey's Anatomy who died while the baby lived even though her husband told Dr. McDreamy to save his wife if he had to choose between the two and McDreamy wouldn't put his scalpel down and got into a fight with Addison that the Chief had to come to the ER and resolve.

Staring at the dark ceiling I used all my skills of concentration. Perhaps...just maybe...the problem is the pill I started taking at the exact same time these symptoms started.

Hmmm. Could be the issue, I suppose.

So I stopped the seemingly cannabis-infused meds and, just like that, started to regain my super powers of focus and concentration.

And that, kids, is why you just say no to drugs. At least until the doc prescribes something new next week.