The Longest Bile

The gallbladder is a pouch that holds bile manufactured in the liver. It’s located just below the stomach and squirts bile into the small intestine when recently eaten food passes by. One of bile’s functions is to help break down the fat you’ve eaten so it can be further digested in the small intestine. At times people need to have their gallbladders removed because cholesterol stones block the bile duct. One can function just fine without a gallbladder or so it would seem.

The other night my still intact gallbladder sent me a text message. It read: “Stop the madness, you gluttonous pig!”

My gallbladder was working at a breakneck pace. The reason? I was eating Alaskan king crab legs at a record setting pace. With butter. Lots and lots of creamery, sweet, buttery tasting butter.

The next text read: “Yo, bitch! Don’t think I’m going to let you off the hook. How about a salad or some fruit?”

So the gallbladder did what gallbladders do. It seemingly stopped working leaving undigested crab and butter sitting in my ever expanding stomach. When I woke up the next morning I felt like the snake that ate the mouse. I had what can best be called a Food Hangover. The feeling persisted through the next day: queasy, irritable, fat.

Oh, my god! I thought. I have butter toxicity! I bet a blood test would show that I have pure 100%, USDA Grade A butter circulating in my arteries. Obviously, my body quit trying to digest the butter and let it all go straight into the bloodstream. That would explain the hardening of the arteries that leads to my stomach, causing that organ to stop working too.

If a vampire would want my blood I could only hope he wouldn’t have high cholesterol or I’d kill him before he killed me. Or maybe that’s my defense (instead of the garlic necklace).

I uncomfortably got through the rest of the day and have cut waaay back on my fat intake since. Butter is one of my true loves (along with bacon), but we need a cooling off period for awhile. In the meantime, my gallbladder is kicking back in Cabo trying to get past the whole ugly incident.